black bali

I’m in a war of my life. Trust and Risk stand between me and everything my heart is dreaming of.

If you want to know the truth about who I’ve been since I was a small child, here it is. When I was about three or four, my family went to a water park on a very sunny summer day. My dad sat me on his lap and took me down the slowest water slide at the park. It was so slow that he had to keep pushing himself down the slide himself. With each push, I clung to him and screamed out, Daddy, don’t drop me! Daddy, don’t drop me! The entire time. The whole way down.

Why would he have ever dropped me? Why did I doubt his care and protection? I still cannot answer that question.

This has since become a major theme in my life. Even as an adult, I silently and covertly scream out those same words. Daddy, don’t drop me! I say it to my husband. I say it to my Father.

But at this juncture in my personal history, I have to stop. I have to stop trying to protect myself. I need and want to enjoy the ride. It’s the only thing separating me from the Joy of living as He desires for me.

So here begins a new chapter. Of Trust and Risk.



chrysalis 2

When a caterpillar nears its transformation time, it begins to eat ravenously, consuming everything in sight. The caterpillar body then becomes heavy, outgrowing its own skin many times, until it is too bloated to move. Attaching to a branch (upside down, where everything is turned on its head) it forms a chrysalis—an enclosing shell that limits the caterpillar’s freedom for the duration of the transformation.

Within the chrysalis a miracle occurs. Tiny cells that biologists actually call “imaginal cells” begin to appear. These cells are wholly different from caterpillar cells, carrying different information, vibrating to a different frequency–the frequency of the emerging butterfly. At first, the caterpillar’s immune system perceives these new cells as enemies, and attacks them, much as new ideas in science, medicine, politics, and social behavior are viciously denounced by the powers now considered mainstream. But the imaginal cells are not deterred.  They continue to appear, in even greater numbers, recognizing each other, bonding together, until the new cells are numerous enough to organize into clumps. When enough cells have formed to make structures along the new organizational lines, the caterpillar’s immune system is overwhelmed. The caterpillar body then becomes a nutritious soup for the growth of the butterfly.

When the butterfly is ready to hatch, the chrysalis becomes transparent.  The need for restriction has been outgrown. Yet the struggle toward freedom has an organic timing.

“….and is connected to the breath.”  A children’s book that I read stated that the butterfly “pops” its chrysalis by taking a deep, full breath.  As the butterfly emerges, it’s upside down.  It immediately turns right side up and it proceeds to holds its chrysalis with such reverence,  I can “hear” it saying “thank you” to where it came from.  When we’ve been through troubles of trauma, it can be difficult to find the gratitude for where we came from.  It may be empowering to pause in this reading and give thanks to your self and to all the sentient beings who supported you through the times of loss.

With loss there can be a loss of innocence.  And the paradox is that in losing innocence a new-found wisdom is gained.  In this new wisdom there is even greater inner connection to innocence, allowing for the possibility of wholeness.

– Anodea Judith (and Lance Wallnau)

I feel a bit like this these days. Undergoing something magical and new. A freshness is overtaking me and I’m emerging from the past with strength and beauty. Entering into a pool of new thoughts and expectations. My eyes are set straight before me. Life is a forgiving journey with many chances for rebirth and transformation. I’m more and more the authentic person I was intended to be. I’m always searching for that woman. The original.




Feeling extremely restless this morning. Like my shoes are too tight and uncomfortable. I’m learning to let go. Of feeling like I’m on a delay and sometimes bypassed. I’m seeking contentment and a vision of what’s to come. I know there’s so much more to be ready for. This is a thick season of the unknown.

I know something is on the way. The baby causes the pain.




Not around, through. I’m in a season of walking through the things I’d rather naturally avoid. It’s a deep season and a pivotal one. It’s filled with learning to deal with mishaps and pressure and failure without doubting myself or my abilities or worth.

There is no circumstance or situation that could ever devalue my core essence. I am not those problems or puzzles I find hard to solve. I’m breaking up with these kind of thoughts and feelings.

I’m off the hook. I’m not taking anything personally anymore.

Prophetic Word

In a vision I saw a path in a forest.  Part of the path was lit by the sun shining through the tree branches, but most of it was shrouded in darkness and obscured as it meandered through dense vegetation.  And, I heard the Lord say:  This path represents where you are going both naturally and spiritually.  You will not be able to look very far ahead, but as you stay present with Me the path will be clear enough, and I will take you every step of the way in safety.  Trust Me to lead you with clarity.

Proverbs 3:6 In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths.